claudine_c

In organising my Livejournal tags in preparation for linux.conf.au, I see that my linux.conf.au tag has one entry from 2007, in which I confess to not being a (Linux) geek. LCA 2007 was my first, and so far my only full LCA. That particular identity crisis affected me so much that in 2008 I planned to avoid all of LCA (in Melbourne! organised by friends!) and only went to the Linuxchix miniconf because day passes were introduced.

I already have two entries for LCA2009, listing my upcoming miniconference presentations. How did this change come about?

For one thing, LCA does seem to have a more diverse programme now than it did two years ago, with more user-level presentations as well as the traditional focus on kernel and hardware hacking. I think, though, that the way I look at myself has also changed significantly. In January 2007 I was trying to complete a degree that I no longer cared about; I did not feel confident about continuing my career in public health; and while I had begun some private conversations about vocations within the church, these were still at a very tentative stage. I didn't feel that I belonged anywhere, or that I had any professional or vocational direction. I might have initially hoped that LCA would provide some direction, but I only came away feeling that full-time work in IT was not my direction.

My sense of personal direction is certainly not clearer now; in fact, it is a lot more messy, and that mess is both rewarding and frustrating. Part of my development has meant moving to a new job that involves more creative and challenging explorations in the uses of computers in historical research. I am much more of an active geek now than I was two years ago, but back then I couldn't have imagined he shape my work would take; I hadn't had much exposure to the digital humanities at that stage.

I am a geek; but the issue of defining myself as geek or not-geek no longer matters to me. My horizons are wider, and involvement in the free software community can be rewarding without causing any existential angst.

My writing and blogging decreased dramatically after I returned from India last January. The practical reason for this is that I just became insanely busy: I had two part-time jobs (which add up to more mental effort than one full-time job) and I was entering the serious research phase of my master's course. Oh, and my ongoing identity crisis was intensifying.

I think that is the deeper reason for not writing in public -- I was less sure about who I was, what I had to offer the world, and how I was going to live and work in the long term (or even in the next few years). My ideas about myself could change many times. I still wrote in my private handwritten journal and reading older entries has proved just how much my understanding of myself keeps changing.

The whole linux.conf.au experience has shown me that there is a disconnection between the Claudine that geeks and online acquaintances see and the Claudine that offline friends see. If I believe that connecting my online and offline identities can contribute to personal integrity or wholeness, I should try to write more (here, and in other online contexts) about what really matters to me, and I could also try to talk about Linux and FOSS with those friends who have a more limited awareness of computer issues.

I don't generally make new year's resolutions but maybe I could try to communicate better, and not just this year.